As individuals, we all have a core identity that shapes the way we engage with the world, interact with others, and ultimately help us accomplish purposeful goals in our lives. Unfortunately, too often in society today, we see the shift from primary identities — those unchangeable aspects of who we are — to secondary identities that reflect more external factors. These shifts are becoming increasingly prominent, as more and more individuals identify themselves through secondary roles and characteristics. From cultural affiliations to political views, secondary identities are widely recognized and even celebrated, but when these identities are used to define who we are, it often leads to confusion, division, and even emotional dissonance.
The Root Cause of Identity Confusion
Think of identity as a tree. The roots represent our primary identities, such as our spirituality, humanity, family roles, and personal beliefs. These primary aspects ground us, giving us purpose and direction. The branches, on the other hand, are our secondary identities — those roles we adopt over time based on experiences, interests, and external factors. These might include cultural affiliations, hobbies, professions, or even political views. Though secondary identities are important, they must never overshadow the primary identities that shape the very foundation of who we are.
One of my favorite movies to sit back and watch is The Devil Wears Prada, and I think this movie depicted what I’m sharing here pretty well. What happens when individuals begin to overly focus on and let their secondary identities — things like our jobs, ethnicity, or politics — become their dominant focus? When the branches start to dominate the roots, it creates instability, confusion, and disconnection. Individuals who focus more on their secondary identities often do so because of a need for emotional sanction, validation, or simply as a way to cope with underlying emotional wounds. The primary identities, which should anchor us, get lost in the noise of secondary issues.
The Need for Emotional Sanction
Don’t get me wrong. I feel that most of the time what we need from time to time is just a simple realignment, but it usually happens in a place that provides emotional sanction. Seeking emotional sanction is a natural human need. It’s the way we seek healing when we’ve been hurt, misunderstood, or disconnected from what truly matters. However, emotional sanction must be rooted in our primary identities. When someone has suffered a traumatic loss, struggled with a sense of belonging, or faced an identity crisis, they may turn to secondary identities to help redefine themselves. This shift might temporarily provide a sense of purpose, but without addressing the deeper need to reconnect with their core, primary identities, it only leads to further confusion.
Reconnecting with Primary Identities: A Path to Healing
The key to emotional healing and balance lies in the ability to reconnect with our primary identities, as a human being, spouse, father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, friend. Our primary identities provide us with the strength and clarity needed to navigate life’s challenges. They help us to view ourselves not as victims of external circumstances, but as empowered individuals who know who they are at their core. It’s through this foundation that we can truly contribute to the world, communicate effectively with others, and lead lives filled with purpose.
A large part of this process involves moving away from identifying ourselves by political, cultural, or superficial traits that are often influenced by societal pressures. These secondary identities, while important, should never become the basis for defining our self-worth or our value in the world. Instead, we must focus on developing and nurturing our spiritual, familial, and human-based roles — the ones that serve as the core foundation of who we are. By doing so, we move away from a divisive, us-versus-them mentality and embrace a more empathetic, human-first approach.
A Safe Place for Identity Reconciliation
It’s crucial that we create spaces where individuals can work through their secondary identities in a healthy, safe, and supportive environment. These spaces should not be political arenas, nor should they be places of division. Rather, they should be places where we are allowed to be human, to connect with others, and to heal from emotional wounds. Reconciliation starts by recognizing that secondary identities can be supportive, but they should never replace or overshadow the primary identities that are essential for personal growth.
By providing spaces for people to reconnect with their core identities, we can foster a culture of healing, where individuals can work through their emotional turmoil, realign their purpose, and ultimately thrive. It’s time to reframe the way we look at identity and allow people to embrace their humanity in a world that often encourages division based on superficial characteristics.
Conclusion: Moving Forward as Victors, Not Victims
As we engage in these critical conversations about identity, we must remember that there is power in our primary identities. By reconnecting with what truly matters to us — our faith, our humanity, our family — we empower ourselves to live as victors rather than victims of external influences. Let’s create spaces for meaningful dialogue that helps people heal and reconnect with their true selves, beyond the noise of secondary issues.
The way we approach identity will determine how we grow, connect with others, and ultimately make a positive impact in the world. Let’s ensure that we are fostering an environment where we value our primary identities and allow those around us to do the same, for it is in these moments of reconnection that we can move forward as a unified, compassionate society.
